Family Sabbatical by Carol Ryrie Brink

I read Caddie Woodlawn to my boys when they were young, but was unfamiliar with Brink’s other books until I saw the Ridgeway Family titles available through Kindle Unlimited. I enjoyed the first book, Family Grandstand, immensely because it showed a regular family with its ups and down. Since it was written in the 1950’s the kids were expected to be respectful to each other and to their parents no matter how grumpy they were feeling. (What a novel idea!!) Although there was the underlying expectation that they would be well-behaved, they got into plenty of scrapes and were never sickeningly sweet. I enjoyed every bit of it.

I wasn’t so sure about the second book, Family Sabbatical, because the first half was rather silly. Professor Ridgeway has taken his family to France for six months so that he can do research. The kids must adapt to living in hotels and are horrified when their father hires a governess to teach them French. They end up teaching her a lot of American slang and learn next to nothing. Then they have a Halloween party complete with a house of horrors. I was okay with that, but not thrilled.

The second half, however, completely made up for the first. To avoid spoilers, I will just say that the youngest sibling loses one of her precious treasures and the other two children do their best to console and comfort her. All this happens at Christmas time so there are a lot of sweet moments. There’s even a mysterious princess living in their hotel. It was “magical” without any spells or potions. In every sentence Brink conveys the beauty of imagination and of self-giving love. I shed quite a few tears over those last chapters.

Highly recommended if you are fans of family fiction such as All-of-a-Kind Family, Betsy and Tacy, and the Little House books.

(I am just sorry that the newest book covers for this series are so hideous!)

P.S. This title is also available at Internet Archive.

Blessings,

The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch

The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch is not a "how to" as much as a "why to" book on limiting technology. This book is about much more than just social media, or even screens. It's about how to live as full, flourishing human beings. Maybe it will even turn out that in that quest for flourishing, technology in its proper place can actually help. Crouch's definition of a family, and what it takes to make a family healthy, made this a strong four-star read for me. Technology must serve the needs of the family, and not be its master. Technology is in its proper place when it helps us acquire skill and mastery of domains that are the glory of human culture (sports, music, the arts, cooking, writing, etc.) When we let technology replace the development of skill with passive consumption, something has gone wrong.

I appreciated his many insights into the false promises of technology to make life easier. Easier and flashier platforms, games, and programs often encourage us to opt out of activities that take more mental and emotional energy. These harder activities are the ones that enrich us and help us grow. The last thing you need when you are learning, at any age but especially in childhood, is to have things made too easy. Difficulty and resistance, as long as they are age appropriate and not too discouraging, are actually what press our brains and bodies to adapt and learn.

I was completely taken aback by the last chapter on how Christians must live in incarnational community, including the dignity of "low-tech" dying. This probably wouldn't have hit me so hard if it hadn't been for the families I know who suffered the loss of a loved one due to COVID and could not be with them at the moment of their passing. Crouch writes, We are meant not just for thin, virtual connections but for visceral, real connections to one another in this fleeting, temporary, and infinitely beautiful and worthwhile life. We are meant to die in one another's arms, surrounded by prayer and song, knowing beyond a doubt that we are loved.

Crouch wrote so winsomely of his daily, weekly, and yearly fasts from his devices, that I decided to get on board by making Sunday a no-screen day. I had no idea how hard that would be. Ignoring my TV and computer was a cinch, but because I use my cell phone as a kitchen timer and podcast source, and my Kindle's white noise app for taking naps, the temptation was always there to  mindlessly scroll through social media when I picked up these tools. This is a fast that I'm still determined to learn how to do.

I never dreamed that a little book on the dangers of technology overload would be so inspiring. Definitely another of my favorite books of 2021.

Blessings,

The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy and Kathy Keller

Of the more than 20 books I've read on marriage, Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage is the best.

The popular idea of marriage as the source of happiness and fulfilment has helped to erode the institution that was created for higher purposes. The Kellers clearly and skillfully address many aspects of Christian marriage, and help their readers to look beyond a consumeristic view (I'll stay married as long as all my needs are being met) toward a God-centered view (I choose to stay committed to a person when it isn't easy because God through Christ shows that kind of grace toward me.)

Tim and Kathy address many important issues: What is love? What is marriage for? How can you reflect these purposes if you are single? What about gender differences? How are Christians supposed to view their sexuality? What about the submission/headship passages?

First of all they affirm the goodness of marriage and sex. But they quickly assert that this goodness is not just personally "good for me" (i.e. meets all my needs) but good because it builds families and societies and because it brings glory to God.

Sin and self-centeredness is what makes marriage hard. (Your own sin as much as your spouse's.) What if you began your marriage understanding its purpose as spiritual friendship for the journey to the new creation? What if you expected marriage to be about helping each other grow out of your sins and flaws into the new self God is creating? Then when you come to the [difficult] seasons, you will roll up your sleeves and get to work. (p. 149)

Romance, sex, laughter, and plain fun are the by-products of this process of sanctification, refinement, glorification. Those things are important, but they can't keep the marriage going through years and years of ordinary life. What keeps the marriage going is your commitment to your spouse's holiness. . . . Jesus died not because we were lovely, but to make us lovely. (p. 134)

It's interesting to note that the book is based on a series of sermons that Keller originally preached to his congregation of mostly singles when Keller realized that many of them were not marrying because they had wrong expectations for marriage.

This is a great book with many helpful insights. Definitely in the top ten best books I've read this year.

Blessings,

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Tripp and Lane

Because of the semi-fluffy title, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, my expectations for this book were low. As I worked my way through the book, however, I was pleasantly surprised by the solid, biblical advice for strengthening relationships.

Healthy friendships are costly. They require much more than we can humanly give if they are to flourish. And that is why Tripp and Lane emphasize the need for God's grace to pervade our lives in order for it to pervade our difficult relationships. And they are not talking about the flimsy interpretation of Mark 12:31 (that self love is necessary before you can love your neighbor.)

This quote sums up their philosophy:
Already Jesus has come to provide salvation for us, but his saving work is not complete.
Already the power of sin has been broken, but the presence of sin has not yet been eradicated. Already we have grown and changed in many ways, but we are not all we will be in Christ.
Already we have passed through much difficulty, but we have not yet climbed our final hill.
Already we have learned many lessons of faith, but we have not yet learned to trust God fully. Already God has established his kingdom in our hearts, but that kingdom has not yet fully come. Already we have seen the defeat of sin in many ways, but its final defeat has not yet taken place...

Our job is to learn how to best live in the middle. So we live as broken people who are being repaired, among neighbors in the same condition - always thankful for what has already been done, but ever aware of our need for more grace. (p. 108)

My favorite chapters were Chapter 10 on hope (especially the idea of a "sanctified imagination") and Chapter 12 on mercy, but the whole book is excellent. Each chapter begins with real-life examples of relationships in crisis, which I could have done without. But I can see how they would help readers (to whom these concepts are new) to understand them. This would be a good book to study with a small group.

Blessings,

Brave New Family by G.K. Chesterton - Part 2

G.K. Chesterton is better understood in bite-sized chunks so I greatly appreciated the editor of Brave New Family compiling G.K’s wisdom on the subject into digestible paragraphs and chapters.

In my last post I quoted a few of his thoughts on marriage and this week I want to highlight his insights into motherhood, especially the idea that mothers should work and let someone else raise their children. (Although written 100 years ago, his words are quite contemporary.)

The State thinks think they can do a better job and leave the mother to do something more meaningful. The actual effect of this theory is that one harassed person has to look after a hundred children, instead of one normal person looking after a normal number of them. Normally that normal person is urged by a natural force, which costs nothing and does not require a salary, the force of natural affection for his young... If you cut off that natural force, and substitute a paid bureaucracy, you are like a lunatic who should carefully water his garden with a watering can, while holding an umbrella to keep off the rain. (p. 56)

A woman's function is laborious, because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the bigness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness. (p. 113)

And my favorite: Progressive people are perpetually telling us that the hope of the world is in education. Education is everything. Nothing is so important as training the rising generation. They tell us this over and over again, with slight variations of the same formula, and never seem to see what it involves. For if there be any word of truth in all this talk about the education of the child, then there is certainly nothing but nonsense in nine-tenths of the talk about the emancipation of women. If education is the highest function of the State, why should anybody want to be emancipated from the highest function of the State? If education is the largest thing in the world, what is the sense of talking about a woman being liberated from the largest thing in the world? (154)

Brave New Family by G.K. Chesterton - Part 1

I just finished reading the horribly depressing, The Flipside of Feminism by Venker. (My review on Goodreads is here.) Thank heavens I could balance it with Chesterton’s humorous and insightful Brave New Family. BNF is an anthology of his writings on marriage, sex, and motherhood. Chesterton cannot be improved upon so I without further ado, here are some of his choice quotes on marriage.

Of all human institutions marriage is the one which depends upon slow development, upon patience, upon long reaches of time, upon magnanimous compromise, upon kindly habit. (p. 23)

I have been requested to write something about Marriage and the Modern Mind. It would perhaps be more appropriate to write about Marriage and the Modern Absence of Mind. In much of their current conduct, those who call themselves "modern" seem to have abandoned the use of reason; (31)

They have invented a phrase, a phrase that is a black and white contradiction in two words: 'free love,' as if a lover ever had been, or ever could be free. It is the nature of love to bind itself, and the institution of marriage merely paid the average man the compliment of taking him at his word. (p. 51)

I was pleasantly surprised at Chesterton's frank discussion of sexuality (100 years ago!) and appreciated this quote:

The moment sex ceases to be a servant it becomes a tyrant. (p. 187)

Stay tuned for more in my next post. . .

Anna and Her Daughters

Does anyone out there use the e-book lending services offered by Booklending.com, Lendle, or your local library? I use Booklending because it allows me to access books from Brazil and it's a great way to save money.  Sadly most of the available books on that site are steamy romances, but I've gotten a few books that were on my wish list. Now that several D.E. Stevenson books are in digital format, I hope to read them there, without buying them.

Recently, I "borrowed" Stevenson's Anna and Her Daughters. Like all of her books, it is a cozy read with just enough real life situations to keep it from being sappy. Anna's husband dies suddenly and she and her three teenage daughters are forced to move from their fashionable London apartment to a cottage in Scotland to adjust to their new financial circumstances. It is written from the youngest daughter's (Jane) perspective and recounts the joys and sorrows of the four women. I particularly enjoyed seeing how the mother comes alive as she returns to her provincial roots.

There is a bit of melodrama when all three girls fall for the same fellow, but it is resolved in the end (maybe too predictably). This is not my favorite Stevenson title since it is a bit choppy, but I always enjoy her lovely writing and her ability to create engaging characters.

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

I’ve been reading books about books for the last 30 years, so I thought I knew the storyline of most classics. But the surprises in Brave New World took my breath away.

Over and over again, I was stunned by Huxley’s perceptivity and prophetic power. How did he know that in the future “motherhood” would be a dirty word? How did he predict Viagra? And that promiscuity would be the new normal? Or that consumerism would be the driving force of future generations? He wrote this in 1931, for Pete’s sake!

In this new world all civilized men and women are sexually free, content in their social classes, and undisturbed by pain. The demise of conflict and suffering has brought on the demise of art and poetry because overcoming life’s obstacles is a primary source for the creation of greatness and beauty.

It’s a world devoid of pain partly because there is a pill one can pop to make it all go away.

And if ever, by some unlucky chance, anything unpleasant should happen, why, there’s always soma to give you a holiday from the facts. And there’s always soma to calm your anger, to reconcile you to your enemies, to make you patient and long-suffering. In the past you could only accomplish these things by making great effort and after years of hard moral training. Now you can swallow two or three half-gram tablets, and there you are. Anybody can be virtuous now. You can carry at least half your morality about in a bottle. Christianity without tears-that’s what soma is. (from Chapter 17)

Into this world comes John, the Savage, who was raised away from civilization (where barbaric practices like marriage and chastity still exist). The only book he had as a child was a moth-eaten copy of Shakespeare’s plays, which enables him to counteract each astounding new discovery of the civilized world with a contrasting quote from Shakespeare. (These wonderful quotes will whet your appetite for more.)

I don’t want to spoil your reading pleasure by giving any more details. Be forewarned that this is not a “curl-up-by-the-fire-with-a-cup-of-tea” sort of book. It’s a frank look at the “perfection” of society at a terrible price: the destruction of family and freedom. Easily the most powerful book I read in 2013.

Dandelion Cottage by Carroll Watson Rankin

Dandelion Cottage is a delightful little book about four young girls who spend their summer playing in a rundown little house. It was published in 1904 and has some of the same flavor as the Betsy-Tacy books.

Each girl offers her unique contribution to the group. Bettie (12 years old) is the rector's daughter and the only girl in a family of ten. She's motherly and resourceful. Jean (14) is quiet and gentle. Parents consider her a good influence on their children but the author is quick to interject, It doesn't always follow that children like the persons it is considered best for them to like, but in Jean's case both parents and daughters agreed that Jean was not only safe but delightful. Marjory (13) is being raised by a maiden aunt and is polite and grown up for her age. Mabel (11), Dr. Bennett's daughter, is clumsy and loveable. Rankin describes her as, warm-hearted, generous, heedless, hot-tempered, and always blundering, she was something of a trial at home and abroad; yet no one could help loving her, for everybody realized that she would grow up some day into a really fine woman, and that all that was needed in the meantime was considerable patience. Rearing Mabel was not unlike the task of bringing up a St. Bernard puppy.

Within the first few pages you are drawn into the lives of this charming quartet. They have been brought up to be polite and kind, but they are not disgustingly sweet. They have been trained to value babies, hospitality, and homemaking, which may be a deterrent to modern readers (but that was what made the book such a winner for me.)

In addition to the good writing and interesting characters, the book is full of gentle humor: After Mabel makes up a taunt about an obnoxious neighbor she queries, Do you suppose the Milligans are going to get us arrested for just two apples and a little poetry? Later we read that, Mabel did her crying on the excellent principle that, if a thing were worth doing at all, it was worth doing well.

This would be a lovely read-aloud for young girls whose female role models are not from the Disney channel.

I look forward to reading more stories by this author. This title is free on Kindle, and there's an audioversion at Librivox.org.

Island Magic by Elizabeth Goudge

Once in a while a book comes along that’s just too scrumptious to put down, one that makes you abandon your regular habit of taking notes while reading so you can get lost in the story. Island Magic is that kind of book.

Rachell and André are the proud parents of five high-spirited children. Their lives, though, are not peaches and cream. The year is 1888 and they live on a run-down farm in the town of St. Pierre, on one of the Channel Islands (between England and the coast of Normandy).  Their sixteen year marriage has been tried by fire as they’ve buried three babies and used up all of Rachell’s inheritance to keep the farm going.  

The name of the farm is “Bon Repos” and when André tells Rachell that they’ll have to abandon it and take their losses, she refuses to believe that the place that they’ve created as a refuge for themselves can be let go so easily.

When a shipwrecked man is brought to the island, Rachell immediately takes him in, sensing that somehow he’ll be the solution to their problems. The man, Ranulph, has spent his whole life refusing to be tied down to anyone or any place yet he finds the du Frocq family hard to resist.  As the story unfolds he finds healing for some of his past hurts and contributes to the welfare of the family in various ways. Goudge throws in a few twists and surprises for good measure.

As always, she succeeds in writing a beautiful story while weaving in themes of mortality, committed love, and the freedom of “tying oneself down” to duty and to family.

In the end, the island magic is not the superstitions of the people (which are highlighted throughout the book), but the way it forces people in such a small space to be a community. “You can’t be an individualist on our Island, she said. . . . With the sea flung round us and holding us so tightly we are thrown into each other’s arms - souls and seasons and birds and flowers, and running water. People understand unity who live on an island. And peace.” (p. 262)

This was Goudge's first novel, published in 1934. A lovely book!

The Linnet's Tale by Dale C. Willard

Judging from the lack of response to my rave reviews of Wind in the Willows, I know I’m in a small minority of those who love books in which animals act like people. My latest favorite was offered as a free download on Kindle, but now at $2.99, it’s still a bargain.

The Linnet's Tale is the story of a community of mice who live in Tottensea Burrows.   It is told from the point of view of a linnet (house finch) whose conspiratorial confidences are pure pleasure.  Not only are there villains and heroes, there are families and friends who stick together.  My favorite family was the Fieldpeas who own the bookstore.  The three Fieldpea daughters love books and there are several chapters about them that will delight bibliophiles and word lovers. 

I, who love tight, clean prose, was enamored with every flowery, meandering sentence in Willard’s short novel.  How could you not love a phrase like, “He was wallowing helplessly in a small tussock of fescue.”? Or not love words like, “pipit,” “recumbent,” “orts,” and “kerfuffle”? The subtitle of the book is “A Mouse Tale for Grownups,” but I think a child who has been brought up on books (who is not  daunted by big words) would rejoice in the adventures of the Tottensea mice.

I have to agree with Waterford Hopstep (the linnet) when he described them as quite a splendid little company of field mice – all of them honorable, generous, warm-hearted and as distinct from one another as snowflakes.  You’d like them, I think.  (p. 19)

In the tradition of Brambly Hedge, Redwall, and Wind in the Willows, this darling story is full of humor and heroism – and a touch of romance.  Definitely one of my favorite books of 2013.

The Best Old Movies for Families by Ty Burr - Part One

I was raised on old movies. Well, almost. We didn’t watch much TV until I was fifteen. Then we moved to Louisville where the local station showed an old movie every day after school. It didn’t take me long to get hooked.

When I had kids of my own I wanted to introduce them to the classics, not necessarily for their artistic value, but because most were less offensive than modern-day films. Not all old movies are created equal, though, and I sifted through many less savory stories to find the ones that our whole family could enjoy. I discovered that my former favorite actresses, Bette Davis, no longer had any appeal for me. Her generally mean-spirited persona was not something I wanted my kids watching.

I was happy to find a copy of The Best Old Movies for Families in my local library. As a Christian and a mother I disagree, however, with many of Burr’s “family” movie choices. He writes that “Some Like It Hot” is one of the funniest movies ever made (and it may be), but I found the effeminate, lustful males and sensuous, brainless females to be highly inappropriate entertainment in a household where we are trying to train our boys to be honorable men. The Thin Man movies (another recommendation) were hilarious to me until I grew up. Now the endless drinking really bothers me.

If I needed any proof that Burr and I are not on the same page I had only to read page 351 where he states that Billy Wilder’s 1963 film, Kiss Me Stupid, us “amazingly lewd and, as such, highly recommended to thirteen year old boys.” Really?

By all means, get this book if you want to catch up on the classics you may have missed. (He has a great list in the back of the book.) But don’t accept all of his suggestions for family viewing without doing your homework.

(Stay posted for next week's entry when I do an about face and tell you what I loved about the book.)

Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen

This is not another how-to-have-a-perfect-family book. In Van-Vonderen’s own words, “this book is more about learning the right job, and less about learning new techniques. The first step is easy – if we will do it: We must learn the simple difference between God’s job and ours. God’s job is to fix and change. Our job is to depend, serve, and equip.” (p. 15)

The book recounts the differences between grace-filled families and families that shame their loved ones into good behavior. The author uses the labels “grace-full” and “curse-full”. By curse he doesn’t mean that family members curse each other, but that they live by behavior patterns that are a result of the fall. After Adam and Eve rejected God’s plan for them to live in perfect relationship with Him (and each other), human relationships became power-oriented. Curse-full families try to control the behavior of spouses and children. Grace-full families slowly release parental control by training their kids to make good choices.

While there are no earth shattering truths in Families Where Grace Is in Place, the book offers much food for thought. For instance, VanVonderen points out that children have three basic needs: to know they are loved with no strings attached, to know that they are valuable and capable, and to know that they are not alone to face life. Within the context of meeting these needs parents give their children the skills they need to live healthy lives that are pleasing to God. (It’s tempting to think that “perfect behavior” is pleasing to God, but you won’t get that message if you read this book. Grace by definition cannot be based on performance.) VanVonderen constantly reminds the reader that God extended grace to us before we were worthy (Rom 5:8). For that reason we can extend love to our children even when they mess up.

It’s not about “controlling”, but empowering to make good decisions. (Hmm… sounds a lot like another book I read this past summer.) We shouldn’t try to fix everything for our children. Instead we teach them to take responsibility for their own actions. “In curse-full relationships, rules and performance take the place of people and needs. In a family that seeks to be a place of grace, relationships are there to make sense of the rules. A grace-full family is the place where people can do the job of learning to live without the fear of losing love and acceptance if the job gets too messy.” (p.129)

I was challenged by this book to be more honest about my feelings when family conflicts occur. The author points out that avoiding friction by squashing emotions is unhealthy and DISHONEST. Does that mean I’m going lambast everybody in my family now? Hardly. My goal is to be a grace-filled parent who knows the difference between God’s job and mine. And I trust He’ll give me the grace to speak up when I need to.

Losing Control and Liking It: How to Set Your Teen (and Yourself) Free

Tim Sanford’s book, Losing Control and Liking It,  is written for a very small audience: parents of older teens who are having a hard time letting them go. I did not need this book when our first son left home because he was confident and happy and had the life skills to “make it”. But my second son is his polar opposite. The thought of letting him go out into the real world was giving me the heebie jeebies UNTIL I read this little book.

When we home schooled years ago I read many books that implied that with the right tools I could turn out children who were “practically perfect in every way”. Well, guess what? We did everything the books said and our kids still disappoint us at times (and we still love them when they do.) But what a relief to read Sanford’s book which states that my job as a parent is not to turn out perfect kids who make perfect choices. In fact, Sanford writes that a parent’s main job is to (1) validate and (2) nurture his children. By giving the child a firm foundation of knowing he is noticed, loved and enjoyed, the parent can teach (by words or modeling) how to make wise choices. As a child grows into an adult the parent should be making less and less decisions for him. If he’s done his job of nurturing, validating and teaching, he is able to release the reins of parental control. “Your teen is moving away from your hands-on guidance to your hands-off availability.” (p.38) Sanford says that although we can no longer control the actions of our young adults, we can continue to influence them.

“When you influence, all your persuading and inspiring still allows the other person to make the final choice. That person keeps control and is responsible for his or her actions, thoughts and feelings”. (p. 91)

This book came at a crucial time in my life. I didn’t realize I was having control issues. I thought I just wanted what was best for my son and that he was unable to decide that for himself. Now I see that I really have done my best in the nurturing and validating and teaching areas, and it’s up to him to make his own life decisions. I can honestly say I have let go of the controls. But I’m still adjusting! This is not a profound book in the sense that it will nourish you with multiple readings, BUT it’s intensely practical and comforting. If you’ve got teens, give it a try.

For the Family's Sake by Susan S. Macaulay

In For the Family's Sake Susan Schaeffer Macaulay makes the case for creating a home environment that will nurture children. She offers loads of practical advice on how to slow down and concentrate on things that really matter. Much of her inspiration comes from the writings of British educator Charlotte Mason. And I would venture to say that the common sense Christianity in her book was gleaned largely from her famous mother, Edith Schaeffer.

From page 94: Today the prevalent attitude is that the care of the family and home is “menial”, unimportant, a waste of expensive education and potential. Homemaking is seen as a mere detail that can be amply covered as secondary to a job or career, which is “real life”. This gives the truth away – today’s values are totally upside down from God’s point of view. People and their everyday lives matter more than things or status. Serving others is the highest calling of all (apart from prayer) – serving them in ordinary ways, giving people what they need.

From 208: We live in an age where everyone is trying to sell something. People will try to sell you expensive gadgets for your little ones and tell you to make “educational” purchases. Videos at one? Computers at two? Classrooms at three? And the answer is, “No, the child needs the old-fashioned basics.” Parents, home, land. Love, boundaries, routines. Family friends, community. Seasons, earth, sky. Activity, sleep. All stirred with warmth, fun, and lots and lots and lots of enjoyment. The main ingredient of this “stew” will be talking together, communication – and then reading books together.
This statement on 162 was startling: One of the ways a torturer destroys a person is to deprive him of adequate sleep, leisure, solitude, or friendship, and of course food…. Sadly it is fairly normal now for people to fail even to begin to provide themselves or their children with these basics. People expect to live in constant stress. (!)

I first read this book in 1999 when my children were small. Almost every page has an underlined passage or a comment scribbled in the margin. I sensed I wasn’t quite as enthusiastic (maybe I mean “naïve”) as I read it the second time through. Although I have put into practice many of Susan’s suggestions, I’ve discovered that laboring to create a perfect home environment doesn’t necessarily guarantee perfect children. Then again, if there was an easy formula for raising kids we wouldn’t have to trust the Lord so hard.